Dear Sugarhugs,

You're probably wondering what happened to the condo. Well, sweetness, I was in the shower this morning, after you left for work, and I kept using that little sliver of soap in there until it was so infinitesimally tiny that I split an atom and the building imploded around me. 

I know what you're thinking, how does this happen to the same person twice? That's what I asked the Irish Spring people when I called them. Just like last time, they explained that it was impossible to damage an atom while using their soap. I told them they should tell that to Mr. Bumpers, a cat who will never be able to tell how wide things are because he lost his whiskers in an atomic explosion. Luckily, they put me through to Chuck Grundhoff. Remember him? He was the lawyer from last time. Anyway, Chuck said that'd he'd put a check in the mail for the damages. And I'm getting an extra ten thousand to never use Colgate-Palmolive products again, which is a plus. Chuck is a good guy; he even offered to call the Army radiation people for me.

I'm happy to say that all the pets in the building survived. I think, like earthquakes, animals can detect imminent atomic explosions. They were all out on the lawn waiting for me when I climbed out of the tub with Mr. Bumpers. I think Mr. Bumpers knew, too. I mean how often does a cat get into a shower with you and jump around scratching at your hands? Twice, I realize now.

Do me a favor and tell the neighbors that they won't be able to have any of their stuff back because it's been exposed to dangerous levels of atomic radiation.

I hope you had a good day at work. I'll give you a call as soon as the doctor removes Mr. Bumpers' claws from my genitals.

Love and cuddles,

Me