The 13th Labor of Heracles

Let me tell you, Heracles, that was terrific. The way you cleaned out the stables of those devil horses with a river. And beating the Cyclops of Minot to death with his own testicles? Genius. Really, Hera and I were awfully impressed. You can ask her, I was laughing my ass off when you black and blueballed that Cyclops to death.

Hey, listen here for a second, and I’m not any happier about this than you are going to be, but we’re going to have to ask for a 13th labor. I know we talked about 12, but we’re going to need one more. Sure, sure, I’m the king of the gods, but I’ve got management all over my ass on this one. Believe me, I wouldn’t ask if it wasn’t absolutely necessary. And I know I don’t tell you this enough, but you are doing an absolutely fabulous job. Kudos.

Anyway, this 13th task is a self-examination. Yeah, yeah, I know, I was like, what the f? What they are asking for is a personal inventory, a head to toe, inside and out, of Heracles. We want you to just let us know how you’ve been doing. Not now, you can hand a report in tomorrow. First thing in the morning would be great for me. So, just let us know what you’ve been up to with the whole 12 labors thing. Nothing too crazy, just a moment by moment report of how you’ve been doing. Nothing too long, I don’t have time to read my toothpaste tube, if you know what I mean. Basically, a concise, detailed breakdown of how you accomplished the 12 labors and what you’ve learned from the experience.

And one more thing, and believe me, I fought for you on this one, we ‘re going to have to assign you a supervisor. I said to those guys upstairs “No freak’n way, are you f’ing kidding me?” But you know, they’ve got my ass in an ass tightener on this one. You’ve met Pantoffales before. He started a couple weeks after you, is that right? Anyway, speaking of tight asses, I know he is one, but it could have been worse. Believe me, it could have been worse! I don’t even want to get into who they were suggesting, but I was like “Oh hella no!”, I mean I was all up in their chops on this one. And Pantoffales might be incompetent, but get through this and you’ll be golden. You’ve got my word.

Hey, look at me, I’m not blowing anything up your ass. Blowing things up people’s asses is not how I roll. Hey, look at me here for a second. I’m a straight shooter, and as you’re moving up in the Greco-Roman world of heroing, you’ll appreciate someone like me. I’m on your side, don’t ever forget that. Oh, and we’re going to need you to come in for a few hours on Sunday and kill a centaur.


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