Dibs on his first day of watercolor class

On the first day that time machines were sold to the general public, Sorgum, Minnesota Quilting Hall of Fame member, Peggy Jesperson, traveled back to 9:53 am on April 30th, 1945 and repeatedly stabbed a knitting needle into Adolph Hitler’s eye, killing him, by no means, instantly. Hitler had been about to end his own horrible existence in the dismal confines of his Berlin bunker, but Peggy beat him to it. She had waited overnight at the Apple Store to make sure she was the first to get a time machine and as she watched the Nazi leader’s dying spasms, she was completely satisfied with her purchase.

However, at 9:52 am, April 30, 1945, Levi McHenry of Lower Sorgum, Minnesota, who had been waiting in line behind Peggy, went back in time one minute before Peggy’s arrival and sliced Hitler’s head in half using a samurai sword he had bought at the Sorgum Center Mall’s cutlery kiosk. Even though she was miffed about the intrusion, Peggy still agreed that it was impressive that a mall-bought sword could actually cut a human head in halfsies. Then a minute earlier, Sharona Seidelman, an All-American ice hockey player from Brandeis University, pushed Levi out of the way and uppercutted Hitler in the crotch with a hockey stick so hard that it sounded like a water balloon filled with apple sauce hitting a road sign after being thrown from a car going 135 miles per hour.

Everybody wanted to kill Hitler. In a way, it wasn’t a surprise because everybody had always said that the first thing they’d do if they ever got a time machine was to kill Hitler. However, what was surprising was that everybody actually followed through on this promise. Especially when they could have gone back in time to high school and talked their younger selves out of huffing gold spray paint right before their aunt’s open casket funeral.

So as soon as history recorded another oddly-dressed person showing up unexpectedly in Nazi Germany and killing Hitler in some horrific manner, another time traveler would go back a few minutes earlier and do it themselves. So five minutes before Sharona and her genital-imploding swing, Stanislav Raskovic traveled back to the underground bunker and yelling “Niespodzianka tyłekotwór!” (Polish for “Surprise, asshole!”) dumped a bucket of gasoline over the Fuhrer’s head, followed by a lit Zippo. The lighter was given to Stanislav by a great-uncle who had fought in the Warsaw Ghetto. Unfortunately, a minute before that, Sugarmouth Camden of the Harlem Globetrotters replaced Stanislav’s gasoline-filled bucket with one filled with confetti. The Globetrotters were not so much pro-Hitler as pro-Globetrotter, evidenced by the front of Sugarmouth’s jersey that stated that the Globetrotters were “Available for Corporate Events and Functions.” Needless to say, this was when people started cheering for the Washington Generals.

Alan Alda killed Hitler earlier that day, during the filming of the PBS program, “Scientific American Frontiers: Can One Man Ruin a Mustache Style?” Mr. Alda was supposed to just shave Hitler, to see if the stunted toothbrush mustache was the source of all evil, but ended up shoving the Nazi leader down a flight of stairs. His actions were for naught, however, as the History Channel, realizing that they were being deprived of the person who accounted for 83 percent of their programming, including the programs “Footwear of the Fuhrer” and “What Would Hitler Have Had on His iPod?” had traveled back moments earlier and hastily placed a “Stairs Out of Order” sign.

Two days before the History Channel’s intervention, the Israeli Air Force sent a cluster bomb dressed as a nun back in time, a plan that went awry when the Catholic Church, claiming a level-five sacrilege, sent a priest back to cut the blue wire. Due to immense world pressure, the priest then gave Hitler a seriously inadequate verbal scolding. To protest, the Israeli government immediately sent a small group of highly-trained commandos back to applaud at the Crucifixion.

By this time, there were quite a number of memorable Hitler killings. Jamiqua Wilkes, for example, traveled back in time to when Hitler was watching the sunset at the Eagle’s Nest, his mountaintop retreat. As Hitler was admiring nature, drinking a cup of chamomile tea, and probably feeling pretty smug about destroying most of the planet, Jamiqua took a running start and kicked him right in the jodhpurs. To say Hitler flew off the side of a 6,000-foot-high peak would be an insult to the concept of flying. Saying he plummeted while screaming like bad brakes in a 1972 Dodge Dart be much more accurate.

In actuality, everybody liked the funny Hitler killings the best, such as the time rocket skates were attached to his feet when he was visiting a bayonet factory, or when he asked Himmler, “Ist dass Scott Joplin?” immediately before a piano playing “Maple Leaf Rag” was dropped on him from an eight-story building. In fact, the History Channel stopped trying to interfere when they discovered that “Killing Hitler: The Bloopers” was the most popular show on basic cable. In addition, the video “A trampoline, a ceiling fan, and Hitler” has been watched over seven million times on Youtube.

The problem over time was that killing Hitler had become a logistical nightmare. The person tying Hitler to the railroad tracks was stepping on the toes of the woman who had just baked the Fuhrer a cake with dynamite candles and ruining the fun of the guy who was using a trail of schnitzel to lure Hitler into a leg trap chained to a V2 rocket. Hence, the creation of isittimetokillhitleryet.org, a nonprofit website dedicated to scheduling the demise of the worst person in history on a regular basis. This ensured that the 4.3 billion people waiting to kill Hitler would get their chance, and that more importantly, that for every single moment of his miserable life, Hitler is getting killed.

In fact, right now, back on September 28, 1939, Lucy Schrempf of Bluetail, Alberta is insisting Neville Chamberlain put on a poncho, because she is about to release Lindy Mae, the Hitler-mauling grizzly bear.

Then, five minutes earlier a kid named Stavros Tsocanos is going to dress up like a ghost and scare Hitler when he’s stepping out of the bathtub on to a greased tile floor. That should be pretty good.

Most importantly, there is one thing that everybody who has killed Hitler agrees on, no matter if they hammered him into the ground like a roofing nail with a 122-foot pine tree or made the last two things he encountered a pile of marbles and a running wood chipper.

Killing that jackass always puts a smile on your face.

(From the September 2009 Bar Room Writers Offensive. By the way, we've got another one coming up in October.)


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